Sunday, November 06, 2005

CRUCIFIED HOMELAND

First time after 14 years i deacied to make that step and to come to my holy Mountine...since i could not go to the one in Greece. I deacided to come to my homeland and to bowe in front of the graves of my grandparents that had been killed by the croatians 14 years ago. I came to the region where my roots are...where my origins are...where I AM. where I am from..where i belong....and everything that i saw...just reminded me of my life, complete disorder and destruction. I felt like man with out land on my own land. Man with out homw in MY onw home...destroyed, abandoned and left to the time and history, left to someone else who will never understand how is it like to be like I am, how is it like to feel that roots and this blood that is still runing trough my venes. I love ho i am, and now after I saw all that the way it is now, i deacided to make my life worth. I have spoken with some old people there in the village of my grandparents...it is joy to see some new and young face among them...it is joy to see that that family did not dye with those two slaugtered old people....but instead...that WE LIVE....more than ever...better then ever...and prouder than even. I am more prouded on my self now..than ever in my entire life, and today I made the decision that my life will change from it rots, that not just for my sake, but for the sake of the that old people that looked in my face with the hope in change, with the wish regaring my sucess....not just for my self...but for all of them that still, even after 14 years suffer....
I am crying at this momment when I am writhing this. It is not simple at all to come to your land, to your grandparents graves...not even beeing able to find them in all that grass an weed....shame...i felt like peace of shit...that i abandoned them...even though...dead mouth can not speak....but that`s why I am here....to tell you this story....TO SPEAK IT LOUD...SO ENTIRE WORLD COULD HEAR MY PAIN....MY SHAME AND MY PROUD. I am proud that I am the first one that i came....i am proud that I have been the first one that lighted the wax candle (instead all that stupid roman-catholic white ones) on my grandparents grave...that i had been able to sing to them, eonia i mnimi...got give them piece.....cause...they are not forgoten...they are in my memory...and till the day I will separate from this life..they will not be forgoten.....
Today I heard about some of the last moments of my grandma`s life....I just kept crying....cause...it is my blood...and i know that I would be like that....PROUD till the moment my body will be layed down in the could earth! Thank you grandma for giving me that strength....
Sorry people...but this effected on my personality...it is not easy to see all those houses...destroyed by barbaric flame.....it is not easy to see the Church that I have been baptised at....that it doesn`t exist any more.....my roots tryied to be ripped out, but I sware...till my last breath...I will not forget it...untill there is strenght in my damned body...I will never give up on who I am...and why I am what I am...the only thing I know...is that I will be proud....as i am now.....And I hope that day by day...i will be even prouder and happyer...and smarter...learning from the death mouth...and graves of my ancestors!!!!!
God save the martyrian serbian people...that went trough all this pain and misery just for your sake...and for your Holy name!!!
Listen to my pryer, cause I know you are the only rigth...and eternal Justice and punishent!!! God have mercy on me!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I thought this may comfort you:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousands winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
S

Anonymous said...

PS. We are very, very proud of you.
S

Миљан said...

Свака част!!!
Great!

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